Love Yourself

2:30 am - I get a text message from a friend. (Paraphrasing) -Ashley, I'm tired of being hurt and used. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not being loved. I am shutting down. I give up. The reality is, no one is coming. I don't like me.
Wow ...
Sleepily, I offered a word of encouragment. I told her that in order for someone else to love her, she has to first love herself. I think that sounded good at 2 am. I also know that when someone is upset about something, my brilliant words :-) probably don't mean a lot. I assured her she wasn't the only one who was feeling the way that she was feeling.
As I snuggled up with my comforter, I said a short prayer-like thing asking God to keep her encouraged so that she can love herself.
6:00 am - I hear Billy Ocean singing to me (Caribbean Queen is my ringtone). I look at the clock then look at the phone and I figure I better answer. It's another friend. Immediately I panic.(Early morning calls often mean something bad has happened.)
She starts the conversation very calmly, but soon thereafter the tears start to flow. She was feeling very discouraged about the way things in her life are going. Especially in the love department. She said she felt as if "he" would never come. She was tired.
Understanding completely how she feels, I try to encourage her not to give up. Somehow I remind her that she to love herself before anyone can love her.
I'm single. I have friends. Every now and then I have a date. I participate in some social activities here and there. I get lonely. I get sad. I desire a connection with someone. I want to give up. And sometimes when I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. Not so much my physical appearance, but all the mess that is going on in my life. But what I can't forget is that no matter how messy and ugly and terrible I am to myself, God finds me to be one of His beautiful creatures.
I have to love myself through all my mess. And even if I don't like what I see, I still have to love myself. I have to love myself to know what it's time to "fix" me.
So ladies, gentleman, boys, girls, dogs, cats, horses, llamas, and turtles .... even when you feel your worst, you must LOVE yourself!

Wisdom 924

I like to consider myself an intelligent person. I also know I have things to learn. I have picked up a few "lessons" today that I thought I would share.
1. When closing your eyes "for a few minutes", set an alarm
2. Don't go to sleep with food in the oven. Chances are when it comes out, it will be burnt.
3. Walk the dog
4. Drink water
5. Clean your dwelling space
6. Energy drinks are great, but at some point you have to come down
7. Prepare yourself for the next day the night before. (Did that make sense?)
8. If you want to make 2 deviled eggs, you can do it.
9. Don't spend all day on Twitter, Facebook, yahoo messenger, gmail chat, AIM, and texting and expect to finish your work.
10. Recogni2 at 31, taking an evening nap might as well be called going to bed. You're not going to get up and go out, watch TV, go to the gym, etc. Your tired behind is going to bed. And if you sleep for a long time, don't panic. Your body probably needed it. That's why it happened.

That is all

I was chatting with lady in the break room while heating up my lunch. She said, "It's amazing how I get impatient having to wait 3 minutes for my food to heat up. I remember when we heated everything in the oven and it took half an hour." I chuckled because I too remember that time. Certainly I was a young person (younger than 5 years old), but I do remember. In fact, it was Christmas, 1982 when we got our first microwave. I know this because my brother was an infant. I also got a pink motorcyle that year.
Anyway, we chatted some more about TV Antennas on the roof, VCRs with corded remotes and other antiquated technological treasures. It made me think of how far we have come.
My nephew is almost 12. He has always had a microwave, cable and CDs. Rap music has always been mainstream and a TV show containing curse words is not completely off limits. Someone in our family always had a cell phone. Things have truly changed from when I was a child.
I wonder what life will be for my children.

Chasing Love

As a single 30-something year old woman, I am entering (or have entered) a phase in my life where I have a strong desire to be married and have children. Several friends, associates and acquaintances are in committed relationships or married. My sister got married two years ago. My younger brother is getting married next year. 3 of my co-workers are planning October weddings. My friends have blessed me with 5 wonderful godchildren. I admit to having the "when is my time coming" feeling every now and then. It's normal. I want all those happy things .... a husband, a house, a family. But I also want it when it is my time. So I'm being patient. I'm not making that statement to boast perfection. I am saying it because that's what I am dealing with.

Everyone does not have the same idea as me. They might say they do, but their actions don't reflect their words. I seem to engage in conversation with women who are chasing their dream instead of letting that dream fall in place at the right time. I like to call it, chasing love. I have seen friends throw themselves into situations that were not good for them in hopes of creating a dream. Instead of letting the situation develop, they try to make things happen. Feelings end up being hurt because what they thought was love, wasn't. They were giving 100%, but getting 27% in return.

Though I am far from a Bible scholar, through my years of sitting in sanctuaries, I have managed to pick up a few tidbits.
1 Corinthians 4-7 (NIV):
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What that says to me is, love is supposed to be something that feels good. And if it doesn't you're doing it wrong. Going after it the way that you have been is bringing pain. That's not what love was created to do.

Okay, so no chasing love. What do I do? Just sit around and wait?

In a discussion on twitter a few days ago, a friend through out a question. "Should I ask a guy out?" Some people responded with NO while others (including myself) said, sure why not. One person reasoned that she shouldn't ask him out because she needs to let him pursue her. I argued that he may not even know you're interested if you don't say anything. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying ... Let's go get some coffee. It's not a marriage proposal. It says "Let's hang out."
I've done it. I was interested in a guy. We were friends, but I let him know that I was interested. We have hung out a few times. We talk often. He even initiates a lot of the conversations. Are we engaged? No. In fact, I think I might have earned myself a permanent spot in the friend zone.
I'm not mad though. I did something that I wouldn't have normally done. I made the first move.
As a single woman, sitting around waiting for someone to come along and ask me out gets old and tiring. I don't think there is anything wrong with initiating a friendship. All you're doing is putting the ball in his court. He still has the chance to chase you. Nearly three years ago, my brother received a phone call from his (now) fiancee. It doesn't hurt to make the first move. But after she made the first move, he did the chasing.

After the first move is made, the rest is up to him. The Bible says ...
Proverbs 18:22 (NIV)
22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

I want him, he who God has prepared for me to FIND me. I can make my presence known, but leave the job of chasing love to him.

Once again...

So my brother(s) have inspired me to start blogging again. I wasn't really an avid blogger like my sister or brother, but I would tap something out every now and then. I think with the long periods of time that I am unoccupied at work sitting in front a computer, I might be able to come up with a few things to say. It's better than sitting here looking like a bobble head doll, right?
With that being said ... there here is my introductory blog. I can't guarantee it will be exciting, but it might be a shallow (or deep) into my life and the way I think. Perhaps I will find out my life is more exciting than I think or less. Maybe my words will encourage someone or brighten someones day.
Or maybe this has become my outlet to talk senselessly about things that matter to no one except myself. Whatever the case, my blog is here.